The Test of Time
by NCISBONESgirl
Summary: What if Castle left after overhearing Kate admitting she remembered in "47 Seconds", without ever telling her why? What if they ran into each other 14 years later? Can they reconnect? Is 14 years long enough to get over a hurt that big? A love story at its core that also deals with the consequences of actions, righting wrongs, and how some bonds stand the test of time. AU.
1. Chapter 1

To Katherine Beckett, 47 was an age unlike any other. It was closer to 50 than 40, and came with a lot of rules and limitations. Such as, "you can't wear heels to work any more because your feet will hurt in two hours," and, "don't wear as much eyeliner as you used to because it'll make you look older than you are". A few people had told her that she aged well, while others insisted that she didn't look her age. 47 was an age floating somewhere between "young" and "old", between "naive" and "wise", "lost" and "discovered".

She didn't look like she did in her early thirties, obviously. She had fine lines between her eyebrows and crows feet at the corners of her eyes. She had kept herself in shape, but things just weren't as…firm as they used to be, and she had developed a small tummy (still remarkably flat for her age). Grey hair had begun to crop up at her temples and at the part in her hair. She had dyed it a couple of times, but mostly she was too busy to keep up with it, so she just let it go. Stress had taken its toll in a few ways.

It was an overcast October Tuesday around three in the afternoon when Beckett decided to take a break from doing paperwork. There was a little café in Midtown East that she hadn't been to in years – maybe since her twenties – that she knew was still open. It was out of her way to say the least working on the Upper West Side, but she needed to get out. She had been behind a desk for days.

Beckett stood and slipped back into the navy blazer that was hanging on the back of her chair, dug her keys out of her black bag, and stepped out of her office, locking the door behind her. She walked in the direction of the bullpen, "Hey, Espo?"

The detective looked up from the desk that had once been Beckett's own, eyebrows raised, silently responding to his boss' call.

"I'm uh, I'm going to step out for a bit," Beckett told him. "I've gotta get out of here, I'm going to go nuts just sitting around."

Esposito smirked, "Office life still making you claustrophobic, huh?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," Beckett rubbed her temples. "Anybody needs anything, just call my cell, and I'll hail a cab back, and be here in an instant, alright?"

"Got it, boss," Esposito said with a kind smile. "Go on, get your fresh air. I got things covered here."

"Okay, thanks Javi," Beckett said sounding a bit excited and flashing him a small grin. She walked briskly to the elevator, and then out of the precinct. A chilly gust of wind hit her as she headed southeast down West 82nd. For a moment, she wished she had grabbed the slightly heavier pea coat that she had worn into work that morning, but then decided that by the time she reached her destination (the better part of an hour away by foot) the walking would have warmed her up plenty. She turned right on Columbus, then took that to Lincoln Square, to Broadway, and followed that until she hit West 42nd and hung a right. It was a long way to go for a cup of coffee, but she was enjoying being back in the city for once. Between the people, the crisp air, and the fall foliage that made everything look like it was on fire…she felt alive.

By 4:05, Beckett was standing in front of Rize Coffee. It looked exactly as she had remembered it; a gold strip where the store met the rest of the Chanin Building, and Broadway-esque lettering spelling out the little café's name. She smiled and checked her phone once to make sure that no one needed her yet, and then opened the heavy gold door and stepped inside.

The place was as tiny as she had recalled, with seating for maybe ten people, but never getting crowded. People came and went with to go orders. The bare light bulbs hovering above the counter casting a warm glow about the place. There were only a few people actually sitting down. Two of them made up a young couple sitting at the table in the further most corner from the door, looking like they were sharing their most intimate secrets. The other was a man, sitting with his back to her, staring out the window. There was something familiar about him to Beckett. Something she almost knew in the slope of his shoulders and the way his hair fell in the back. But, there were millions of people in Manhattan, she supposed, and she might have met him once during a case.

Beckett made her way up to the counter, gazing at the chalkboard menu for a moment. It was comforting to her to see that prices hadn't soared dramatically there. A place frozen in time, at least one thing had stayed the same.

"Hi," a pretty, young girl at the counter greeted her. She had bright red hair that could only come from a box piled loosely on top of her head with a Bic pen stuck through it, and thick black rectangle glasses. Her nametag read. "Maria", and she had a small smile on her face. She seemed to belong to the cozy atmosphere, as much a fixture of the place as the walls themselves. "Can I get you anything?"

"Um, yeah, could I just get a vanilla latte, please?" Beckett requested with a polite smile.

"Sure thing," Maria punched something into the cash register. "For here or to go?"

"Not sure."  
"I'll just make it to go," Maria smiled at her. "Will that be all?"

Beckett nodded.

"That'll be 3.52," Maria grabbed a cup from a stack. "Can I get a name?"

"Kate," Beckett replied.

"Kate Beckett?" a voice asked incredulously behind her.

Beckett turned around to find the familiar man staring at her with eyes the exact color of the Atlantic. "Castle?" she whispered.

Maria stepped purposefully out of earshot to make Beckett's drink.

"Ah," Castle managed out, opening and closing his mouth a few times. "H-hi."

If Beckett had aged well, Castle had aged fantastically. He had gained a few lines on his face as well, but they looked as if they belonged there. Smile and laugh lines near his mouth. Subtle creases in his forehead from the way he raised his eyebrows when he told a joke. Not even a grey hair. Of course. If she was 47, that would make him…54? 54 looked good on him. Like life had been kind. "Yeah…hi…" she finally got out.

"How are you?" Castle asked, his tone making the question sound deeper than it was, and his eyes holding something between shock and cautious delight.

"I'm good," Beckett said, beginning to regain her composure and thought process. "Can't complain, I suppose. How about you?"

"About the same, you know," Castle nodded.

"Yeah," Beckett said, because that was the only word she could think of. What was one even to say? There was so much…

"Vanilla latte for Kate," Maria called out behind her.

"I think that's yours," Castle said, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Yeah," Beckett repeated before going and retrieving her cup. She returned to Castle, biting her lip. "Well, uh…it was really nice seeing you again."

"Yeah," Castle said as well. "Yeah, it was good to see you too."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Um," Beckett gave a tiny wave and a weak smile, and began to walk toward the door.

"Kate?" Castle called, standing up.

"Yeah?" Beckett's hand froze on the door, and she turned back to him.

"Do you, uh…" Castle shook his head, seemingly trying to sort his thoughts. "Do you have anything to do right now?"

_Just work._ "Not really, why?"

"Did you maybe want to sit down?" Castle asked her, sounding slightly hopeful. "Catch up?"

Beckett felt herself smile the way she only ever had for him. It had been a while since she'd felt that. "Yeah," she said yet again. "I'd like that."

Castle smiled back at her, seeming to thaw a bit. He gestured at the table.

Beckett took the seat across from him, placing her arms on the very edge of the ridiculously small table. Once upon a time, she wouldn't have cared, and he wouldn't have either. They would've just plopped their arms in the middle together. Usually never quite touching. Never quite to the point of contact, but close enough that they could feel the other's body heat. Close enough to proudly display that personal space was not something that they believed in. Not with each other, anyway. Those days were so long ago, as they kept to their respective sides, just looking at each other, not quite speaking in words.

Finally, Castle sighed, "This shouldn't be awkward."

Beckett shrugged, "It's been, what, 14 years? What do you expect?"

"I don't know, for things to be a little more natural? I – wait, why are you laughing?"

Beckett shook her head and continued laughing lightly, "It's all just kind of ridiculous, you know? Meeting here, after all this time…we should be able to speak to each other like human beings, shouldn't we?"

Despite everything, Castle began to chuckle along with her, "And not just say 'yeah'."

"Yeah," Beckett agreed, which just made them laugh more. "Four years of partnership comes down to…"

"Yeah," Castle finished.

"Yeah," Beckett said.

They laughed some more.

Once that had died down, Beckett nudged his hand with hers almost shyly. "So, come on, what all's happened with you?"

"Kind of a loaded question when there's 14 years to cover," Castle smirked a bit.

Beckett considered that for a moment, and then accepted it. "Okay…how're Alexis and Martha?"

"Mother is _still_ living with me. The acting school has really taken off, so she's been spending three days a week there, teaching. She seems to be enjoying herself," Castle took a sip of his coffee. "Alexis – oh, you'll get a kick out of this."

Beckett raised her eyebrows.

"Alexis got her doctorate, and then became a family therapist," Castle informed her.

Beckett grinned, "I can see that for her. She got all her needed training at home."

"Her exact words, I kid you not," Castle chuckled. "But she loves it."

"How old is Alexis now?" Beckett asked.

"32," Castle said with a grimace. He sighed heavily. "I have no idea where the time's gone. She's married now, to a man named Tom Lawson. Good kid. Steady job, polite, polished, treats her well, and we get along great. Can't say I have any complaints. They had a kid a couple of years ago. A boy. His name is Jacob. I suggested that she named him 'Jude', but Alexis said that would be cruel. Oh, here," he dug in his pocket and pulled out his wallet, extracting a family photo from it. "Here they are. This was in April, so it's fairly recent. Of course, Jake already looks different. A few months make a huge difference at that age."

Beckett picked up the photo and smiled that one smile again, "Grandpa Castle," she handed it back to him, "Alexis is beautiful."

"Thanks," Castle beamed at the picture. "Jake's a great kid. Scary smart, just like Alexis was at his age. I think he'll grow up to be just like his parents. I love spending time with him. We took him to the zoo Saturday. He loved it."

"That sounds really nice," Beckett said. "I can only imagine you on the loose with a two-year-old at the zoo…"

Castle laughed, "Oh, we got reprimanded by Alexis several times, but we were having too much fun." He grinned.

Beckett shook her head and smiled yet again, "So…what about you?"

"What about me?" Castle asked absently, tucking the photo back into his wallet.

"What have you been up to?" Beckett clarified. "I haven't seen any new books lately."

"Oh, yeah," Castle scratched the back of his head. "Black Pawn dropped me when I told them I wasn't going to write another Nikki Heat. Apparently, they have a very strict Three Strikes policy."

"Three Strikes?" Beckett echoed, feeling guilt pang in her chest.

"Killing Derrick Storm, walking away from Nikki Heat, and breaking up with Gina. Again," he ticked them off on his fingers, and then gave a small shrug.

"Couldn't you have gotten another publisher?" Beckett asked, almost desperate for some relief from the feeling that she was the one who ruined Richard Castle, and made him stop writing. "I'm sure other agencies were dying to sign you."

"Maybe. I don't know, my heart wasn't in it. You need your heart to be in it to write something that people really want to read," Castle told her. "Now, I just write for myself."

Beckett swallowed the sickening guilt rising up in her. "I'm sorry," she said quietly.

Castle analyzed her for a moment, and then waved a hand. "Anyway, tell me, Detective, what have you been up to these days?"

"Actually, that's Captain, to you," Beckett said with a smirk, pulling out her badge and sliding it across the table.

"Really? Captain? Wow, congratulations," Castle's smile held the hint of something restrained as he ran his thumb over the badge, turned it over a couple times in his hand, and then handed it back. "What made you give up field work?"

"There was nothing really there for me anymore," Beckett said simply.

Now it was Castle's turn to raise his eyebrows.

_I didn't have my partner, I hadn't had a good captain in a while, and..._"We caught my mother's killer," she confessed quietly, her gaze dropping to her hands. "He uh...he died. Head on collision with a drunk driver going the wrong way on the FDR," she swallowed hard. "In 2001."

"But…the man who shot you…" Castle trailed off. Stating that the event happened still gave him chills. If that had never had happened…

"Just one of his goons who didn't want cops sniffing around their 'businesses'," she hooked air quotes. "Which is one of the reasons they killed her. She got to close, she knew too much…it was all about drugs, mostly," Beckett shrugged and went back to looking at her hands, "Just one of life's little ironies, I guess," her eyes drifted out the window, "He's been dead for 20 years, Rick," she whispered.

Without thinking, Castle reached across the table and took her hand, squeezing it lightly.

Beckett folded her fingers over his, "Sorry, didn't mean to just spew that at you," she gave a tiny, self-conscious laugh.

"Don't apologize," Castle told her sincerely. "I'm so sorry, Kate." It boggled his mind that despite everything she did to him and how much time had passed, his heart still broke when hers did. He was angry with her, sad with her, overjoyed with her. It was all still there.

Beckett shrugged slightly again, doing her best to look nonchalant. "Just one of those things. Anyway, I applied for Captain when Gates retired last year and gave the team to Esposito and Ryan. Jointly. I couldn't pick just one."

Castle smiled at that. "How are they doing?"

"Well, Ryan and Jenny have three kids now," Beckett said. "Erin and Grace, the girls, and then Kieran, the boy. 13, 9, and 6."

"Wow," Castle gave a low whistle. "That's a lot. And very Irish, I might add. He tearing his hair out yet?"

"Nah, you know Ryan," Beckett replied. "He loves it. Jenny, the kids, the whole thing. They're really happy."

Castle smiled again. "And Esposito?"

"On-Again-Off-Again thing with Lanie for years now. They have a dog. It's pretty much a committed relationship," Beckett shook her head. "Everyone's happy, you know? Seems like they've got things pretty much worked out."

"That's good," Castle nodded. "I'm glad to hear that."

Beckett nodded as well, but said nothing more. A million thoughts were coursing through her brain. But where to even start? _I knew. I'm so sorry. Why did you leave? I've missed you…_

"I've gotta say," Castle began, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Middle age looks good on you."

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle," Beckett said with a smile. She wondered briefly if he remembered that night in the hotel room in L.A. so many years ago. She couldn't be sure.

But judging from the spark that flared in his eyes, she thought he did.

Castle opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. It was hard to tell where the lines were now, what would be okay to say and what wouldn't. What would just qualify as embarrassing himself because she _never felt the same way. _He decided instead to go with something benign and said, "So, I never saw you come here before…do you come here regularly, or…?" instead of what he was actually thinking. _I've missed you. _

Beckett laughed a little, looked at him skeptically – a look they were both no strangers to –, and asked, "Are you really asking me if I come here often?"

Castle chuckled, "I hadn't meant it to come out like that, but yeah, yeah I guess I am."

Beckett laughed a little more and then covered their still clasped hands with her other one. "You're rusty."

They talked for hours about everything from family, to the weather, to what they had done with the past summer. They talked about anything and everything, with two key exceptions.

They did not talk about their partnership years.

And the especially did not talk about That Night, when everything changed.

At 7 PM, after three hours of nonstop talking and taking turns buying each other coffee, Maria made her way to their table and cleared her throat gently, "I'm very sorry, but it's time for me to close up."

"Oh," Beckett let go of Castle's hand for the first time in hours. "No, that's okay, I have to get going anyway. I'm working double shifts tonight," she told Castle.

"Yeah, I have to go too," Castle stood, looking a bit disappointed. "I have a dinner date with Alexis, Tom, Jacob and Mother," he searched her face for a moment, and almost opened his mouth to invite her. But he stopped himself. No, they weren't there yet. It would take work to get them back to the place where she was considered family. Hell, he wasn't even sure they were _friends_ yet. There was something still there, but it needed lots of work.

"Um," Beckett pulled a pen from her bag and scribbled her number on a napkin. "Call me sometime, I'd love to do this again." She bit her lip.

"I will," Castle smiled softly at her, and then tucked the napkin into his pocket. "It really was good to see you again."

"You too," Beckett smiled back and gave a little wave as he walked out the door.

"Shoulda kissed him," Maria said softly, before ducking into the back room.

They didn't talk about their partnership, or about That Night.

But it was all either of them could think about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Amazed by the outpouring of love via alert emails in my inbox. You are all beautiful creatures, and I'm delighted to have you on board. So much love.**

**Forgot to put this in the last one, but I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.**

* * *

Castle knew he was going to be late when he left Rize at the time that Alexis, Tom, and Jake were supposed to be arriving at the loft, so he figured an extra fifteen minutes wouldn't hurt, and stopped to pick up flowers for Alexis. His daughter had always hated it when he was late…plus, he needed some time to think about what had just happened.

He allowed himself that time as he walked to the corner, and then down Lexington two blocks to Ariston Floral Boutique, staring up at the Chrysler building as he passed it.

What just _happened?_

Castle turned that question over and over again in his mind as he perused the store for something Alexis would like. It felt so odd, seeing Beckett again after all those years. They had been apart longer than they had ever been partners, and yet…once they had gotten past the awkward stage, it was almost as if no time had passed at all.

Of course, there had been certain telltale signs that actually quite a bit of time had passed, but everything else was overwhelmingly the same. Beckett still had long, perfectly curled brown hair. She still wore turtlenecks with blazers. She still had that same smile. The one that made him feel like…

No, he wasn't going to finish that thought. Like nothing. He felt nothing. At least, that was what he had been telling himself for years. There was a very specific reason why they hadn't seen each other in such a long time. He had had to remind himself of that reason a few times during their visit. He left That Night because it was a problem that couldn't be fixed. _They_ couldn't be fixed.

Castle frowned down at some roses. Lord knows he had revisited That Night more times than he cared to admit. Heard her in his mind like a broken record asking him to just tell her what was wrong so that she could fix it, telling him he couldn't leave, couldn't just abandon her, asking him what happened to "always". There had been a while after that that every time he closed his eyes he saw that look on her face. He had seen it there before over the course of their time together, but things related to her mother's case, or the shooting had always put it there…never before had it been his fault.

Leaving his Kate had broken his heart too.

Castle sighed and shook his head, forcing himself to concentrate. He would be in here for the rest of his life if he tried to figure out Kate Beckett in a flower shop. He picked up an arrangement of brightly colored gerbera daisies – Alexis' favorite since she was a child – and made his way to the register to pay.

As he waited for the young African-American man behind the counter – "Tony" was embroidered on his green smock – to wrap and cut them, he stared out the window to the street. There was no denying that when things were good with Beckett, they were _really_good. Three hours of just talking had reminded him of that.

"I know that look," Tony said, pulling him back to the present. "You've got lady troubles."

Castle looked at him, a silent question displayed on his face.

"We get people coming in here all the time buying a couple dozen roses, racking up huge bills, writing, 'I'm sorry, please forgive me,' on their cards," Tony folded green tissue paper neatly around the stems. "And all of them look just like you."

"How's that?"

"I don't know, lonely, I guess. Like something's weighing on their heart," Tony hit a few keys on the cash register and then said, "That's going to be 42 dollars and 38 cents."

Castle dug his credit card out of his wallet and handed it to him.

"Credit or debit?"

"Debit."

Tony swiped the card and punched in a few things, and then handed the card back.

"The flowers are for my daughter," Castle informed him, sticking the card back in it's designated place. "I'm late for dinner."

Tony handed him the flowers and said, "Well, then I guess your lady isn't into flowers."

* * *

"You're late," Alexis stated, taking the flowers and lying them on the counter. She pushed her hair behind her ears and went around to the other side of the island, pulling rolls out of the oven. "I made chicken pot pie."

"Oh," Castle said, sounding surprised. "You didn't have to cook. I was planning on doing that…"

"You're late," Alexis reiterated.

"By half an hour," Castle said defensively.

"In Toddler Time, that's two," Alexis chided. "Especially when he's hungry. Besides, my other option was Gram."

Castle grimaced. "Point taken. I am sorry though, Alexis."

Alexis sighed, and then smiled softly at her father. "It's okay. And the flowers are beautiful, thanks Dad."

Castle smiled back at her. "Good. I just got kind of hung up at a coffee place."

Alexis furrowed her eyebrows. "What were you doing?"

"Well, it's kind of an odd story, I – "

"Grandpa!"

Castle looked down at the two-year-old that was now tugging excitedly at his pant leg. "Hey, buddy!" he beamed at him and squatted down on the floor to speak to him on his level. "How're you doing?"

"I'm hungry," Jake frowned and poked his stomach.

"Hungry, huh? Hmm…" Castle pretended to ponder the information for a moment while stroking his chin, and then snapped. He lowered his voice, "You know…if you go into my office…and open up the top drawer, there just may be a couple of pieces of candy you could have…"

Jake's eyes lit up, and he high-fived Castle before dashing off in the direction of the study.

Castle stood up and leaned against the counter.

"I can hear you, you know," Alexis said with a small smile, pulling the pot pies out of the oven.

"I know," Castle grinned. "But he doesn't have to."

Alexis shook her head. "You're going to spoil him."

"Hey, I tried to give you candy before dinner too. You wouldn't take it because you said it was inherently wrong," Castle grabbed a beer from the fridge and twisted off the top. "You were also six."

Alexis laughed lightly, and then called out, "Dinner!"

Martha came sweeping in, followed closely by Tom. "Richard, it's about time you showed up," she admonished, swatting her son on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I got held up," Castle held up his hands. "I'm only a half hour late."

"What could possibly be so important that you would be thirty minutes late to a family dinner?" Martha put her hands on her hips.

"Well, I was just trying to tell Alexis, I-"

"It doesn't matter right now, I'm too hungry," Martha cut him off.

Castle shook his head, and directed his attention toward Tom, nodding in his direction, "And how're you doing, Tom?"  
"Not bad too bad, sir," Tom reached out and shook his hand. "Yourself?"

"Can't complain," Castle said, even though he could. "You're not going to lecture me on being thirty minutes late too, are you?"

Tom chuckled. "No, sir."

"Good," Castle sighed. "Then you are the first simple person I've encountered all day, bless you."

Tom laughed again. "Definitely had those kind of days."

Alexis got down a stack of plates and handed them to Tom. "Would you mind setting the table, please?"

"Sure thing," Tom smiled at her, took to steps away, and then turned around. "Um, silverware?"

"Oh, right," Alexis grabbed a bundle from the drawer next to her, and then set them on top of the plates. "Thank you, dear."

Tom swerved on the way out to avoid Jake who came running in at the same moment, covered in chocolate.

"Jacob," Alexis called the child's attention to her. "What do you have all over you?"

"Um," Jake stopped and looked between his mother and Castle for a second. "It's not chocolate."

The corners of Alexis' mouth twitched upward, but she did her best to keep her face looking stern. She crossed her arms. "Then what is it, pray tell?"

Jake looked at the floor for a moment, and then looked back up at Alexis, face serious. "Mommy, I gotta tell you something."

Alexis cast a sideways glance at Castle and then said, "Okay…"

"New York is getting invaded by aliens."

Alexis blinked a few times. "Aliens?"

"Yupp."

"Aliens don-"

"What kind of aliens, Jake?" Castle asked, giving Alexis a look. _Just let him go._

"Big ones. They're brown. Exactly the color of chocolate. It's funny, because they aren't chocolate. Mom, I wasn't eating chocolate," Jake lowered his voice and looked around the kitchen conspiratorially. "I was defeating aliens."

"You were, were you?" Alexis fought another smile.

"Mmhm," Jake nodded. "See, I went into grandpa's office to…I went in there 'cause I heard their Evil Call of Evil. And I didn't want them to ruin the dinner, so I killed them with lasers. They exploded all over the place."

"That sounds like quite the mess," Alexis remarked.

"Yeah. I cleaned it all up though, so it's okay," Jake explained. "They almost ruined our lives, but I killed them dead."

"So the brown on your face…"

"Alien goo parts."

"Right," Alexis nodded. "Come here, my brave little warrior, let's get the 'alien goo parts'," she hooked air quotes. "Off of your face before dinner."

Jake grinned and held his arms up obediently, allowing himself to be lifted onto the counter by the sink.

"Aliens," Alexis muttered, grabbing a paper towel and wetting it down with warm water and soap. She began to gently clean her child's face and arms.

"Quite the tale of valor," Castle remarked, smirking.

"I was brave too," Jake informed him. "Mom?"

"Yes, baby?"

"You have a real pretty face."

"Thank you, you're a sweet boy."

"That's why I killed the aliens."

"Because you think my face is pretty?"

"Because I didn't want them to ruin your face with evil."

"Oh," Alexis pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. "Thank you. That was kind and very brave. Now," she lifted him again, and put him on the floor. "I want you to go take a seat at the table and wait for dinner, okay?"

"Okay," Jake agreed easily, and departed.

The minute he was gone, Alexis lost it. "He 'killed them with lasers'," she managed out between fits of laughter. "Oh my gosh."

"He's quite the little storyteller," Castle grinned.  
"Is he ever," Alexis began putting pot pies onto a platter. "He uses that little journal you have him last month to write us stories all the time."

Castle beamed. "Maybe he'll grow up to be like me."

Alexis shot him a look. "Don't say that," she deadpanned. "Only someone like Gram could have handled _your_ wild child phase, and I am decidedly not that type of parent. He needs to have Tom's wild child phase."

Castle raised his eyebrows. "Tom had a wild child phase?"

"He drove his parents car into a ditch once and didn't tell them about it," Alexis told him, feigning a badass tone.

"What a rebel," Castle smirked.

"Exactly," Alexis picked up the tray. "Hey, Dad, could you bring the bread, a beer for Tom, and a bottle of water for me in with you?"

"Sure thing," Castle set his drink down and got the other two bottles from the fridge. If Jake turned out like him, he could stop him from making the mistakes he made. Talk him out of the wild child stunts before he did anything he regretted because he'd know what to say.

Granted, Castle didn't view any of it as a mistake, but it would definitely be a mistake if his grandson did any of that.

_Oh, God. _He froze.

_Reno. _

Castle balanced the drinks on the edge of the platter of rolls, and decided that it would be best if he kept an eye on him in his late teens.

Ten minutes later, they were chatting with each other as they ate, discussing whatever came to mind and cracking jokes. Having everyone over at the loft for dinner was one of the places that Castle felt the most comfortable. Everyone he loved the most was in one place and having a good time, enjoying a meal.

The prospect of having Beckett there, and That Night never having happened entered his mind, and he pushed it back out again.

"How's your dinner, Jake?" Tom asked his son.

"It's very good," Jake said. "But I think I fought really hard, and heroes deserve ice cream."

"Well, we've got plenty of that little man," Castle told him. "We'll have that for desert, since your mommy never thinks about making anything for that."

Alexis rolled her eyes.

"Speaking of missing things," Martha began. "You never told us why you were so late."

"I tried," Castle pointed out. "You cut me off."

Martha waved a hand. "Details. Tell us now."

"I was uh," Castle took a swig of his drink. "I was with Kate."

Alexis furrowed her brows again. "Who's Kate?"

"Kate Beckett," Castle looked down at his plate and took another bite.

Someone's fork clattered as it hit his or her plate.

"Kate Beckett," Martha said slowly. "Now there's a name I haven't heard in a while."

"Why were you with her?" Alexis asked, an edge coming into her voice.

"We ran into each other at Rize Coffee in Midtown East," Castle shrugged. "We talked for a bit."

"How long is a bit?" Martha asked.

"Three hours. Until closing. I left there at seven," Castle explained. "I lost track of time."

"Fourteen years later and she's still stealing you away from your family," Alexis said under her breath, poking at the food on her plate.

Castle sighed. "Alexis, now that's not fair."

"The hell it isn't, Dad," Alexis looked hard at him, making eye contact now. "She got you to spend every day with her, got you shot at, locked in a freezer, trapped in a car in the Hudson, and then broke your heart. It's plenty fair."

"…I'm…confused…" Tom said as if testing his place in the conversation. "Who's Kate Beckett?"

Alexis opened her mouth to speak, but Martha put her hand up. "I'll take this, darling."

Alexis closed her mouth and sat back in her chair.

"Kate Beckett is a homicide detective with the NYPD. Quite some time ago, there was a series of murders based on Richard's books. She came to question him, he got involved with the investigation, and was very…taken with her," Martha explained. "He used his connections at the mayors office to pull a few strings, and got himself a gig following her around for research for a new series of novels. She's the real Nikki Heat."

"O-oh," Tom said, processing. "So…what happened?"

"Four years, three books, one unsolvable case, the longest almost relationship I've ever seen in my life, and one broken heart later, he walked away," Martha replied. "It was sad, actually," she added quietly.

Alexis looked at Martha and her eyes softened, her anger ebbing away. "Are you going to see her again?" she asked softly.

Castle sighed. "I don't know, maybe. She gave me her number."

Alexis nodded, but said nothing more.

Gradually, the tension left the table, and the group began to return to their normal conversations. They cleared the table, fixed bowls of ice cream, and moved into the living room.

"Oh, Richard," Martha began at one point.

Castle swallowed a bite of ice cream. "Yes?"

"I met the loveliest woman at the school today," she informed her. "Her name is Kim."

"Here we go," Castle sighed.

Alexis laughed lightly.

"Don't you 'here we go' me," Martha scolded. "She was very pretty. Short blonde hair, brown eyes, very trim…"

Castle rubbed his temples. "Mother, I do not want to be set up with anyone, thank you."

Martha put up her hands. "Has one run in with Kate Beckett after fourteen years and all of the sudden he doesn't want to be set up with anyone."

"I've never wanted to be set up with any of your acting cronies," Castle said. "Not before, not now, not ever."  
"Darling, you're not getting any younger," Martha informed him.

"That's a saying for mothers whose children haven't married or had kids," Castle put down his bowl. "I've been married twice, have had a kid, and that kid has given you a grandkid. You've been relieved of your nagging duties."

"Oh, I just want my son to find love!" Martha insisted theatrically. "To see him happy…before I die."

"You're 84, not on your death bed."

Martha scoffed and folded her arms. "Well, it was worth a shot."

"Dad, can you help me gather everyone's bowls and take them into the kitchen?" Alexis asked, standing up.

It didn't take Castle long to get the underlying message.

_I need to talk to you._

"Sure, kiddo," Castle stood too, took Jake and Tom's bowls, stacked them on top of his own, and followed Alexis into the kitchen.

"I don't like this, dad," she told him, placing the bowls in the sink.

"Don't like what?" Castle asked cautiously, putting his in as well.

"Her. You seeing her again," Alexis shrugged. "I don't want to sound like some grown up brat, but…"

"Yeah, I know," Castle said softly. "I don't even know where it's going yet. It's hard to say right now."

"But that's the thing, isn't it?" Alexis leaned against the counter and folded her arms. "It's always hard to say with her. She's a nice enough woman, but she tore you apart, Dad. Not just at the end, either."

Castle's eyebrows knit together. "What do you mean?"

Alexis sighed. "I mean, all of the sudden you were never home, you were trying to solve her mother's case, taking on all of her burdens and putting them on you. You were desperate to get through to her, and for four long years, I watched her hold you at arms length while simultaneously putting you in danger. You weren't happy all the time like you used to be for the second half of all that. You weren't as lighthearted. You spent less and less time doing things like finding new things to do or reading that ridiculous Time Cube thing off the internet to me, and more time playing detective."

"I thought you liked Beckett," Castle said. "I know there was a little while there where you were mad but…wow."

"I did like her at first. I thought she was a good fit for you. She got you into actual clothing and back out into the real world. She made you happy," Alexis took a deep breath and looked down. "Things changed after the shooting," she said softly.

"I thought you forgave her," Castle was beginning to think he was wrong often.

"I was grateful that she got you out of that bank," Alexis admitted. "But then everything else happened, and we discovered that she's a liar, and I reformed my previous opinion."

Tom rapped softly on the wall just inside the kitchen. "Ah, am I interrupting?"

"Not really," Alexis straightened. "Are you guys ready to go?"

Tom nodded. "Yeah, Jake's getting pretty tired, I think we should."

"Okay," Alexis followed him out to the foyer where Martha was standing with Jake and began her goodbyes. She saved her dad for last, and then wrapped her arms tightly around him and whispered, "Just be careful, Dad. I don't want to see you get hurt again," into his ear.

"Will do, Pumpkin," Castle patted her back lightly.

Shortly after they left, Castle tiredly began to get ready for bed. It was only ten, but he was exhausted. He turned off the light and climbed into bed, staring at the ceiling.

And in a way that was both foreign and familiar at once, for the first time in quite a while, he fell asleep with Katherine Beckett on his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**You all delight and amaze. Thank you. And now, for some necessary angst.**

**I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.**

* * *

"Hey, boss? Beckett? Boss, wakeup."

Beckett's eyes fluttered open to see Ryan standing in front of her, holding a cup of coffee. "What?"

"You fell asleep," Ryan told her, setting the coffee down in front of her. "Your shift's over, so I thought I'd wake you up."

"Oh," Beckett rubbed her eyes tiredly. "How long was I out?"

"Few hours," Ryan told her. "No one needed to get a hold of you, we were keeping an eye out."

"Thank you," Beckett reached out, grabbed the coffee, sipped it, and then tried to sit up, wincing. "Ow, okay, sleeping at your desk is not a good idea," she twisted her back, trying to get it to loosen up. She mentally added "desk naps" to the list of things that you couldn't do at 47. "You guys would have woken me up if anyone had needed me, right?"

"Of course. We just didn't want to have to because…" Ryan searched for the right words. "I don't know, you looked troubled when you came back from your jail break. We figured you probably needed the sleep."

"You guys have been treating me with kid gloves ever since I got this job," Beckett said, giving him the cop version of a thank you.

"We're just worried that, you know, without us to come and save you several times a month when you get yourself in too deep that you might panic. We don't want the stress to become too much for you," Ryan threw a barb back.

Beckett grinned and took another sip of coffee.

"So…" Ryan's face sobered up again. "Where were you yesterday? You didn't look happy when you got back."

"I was, um," Beckett took a deep breath. "I was with Castle."

Ryan blinked at her a few times. "…I'm sorry, did you just say Castle? As in, Richard Castle? The author?"

Beckett nodded slowly, sipping more coffee.

Ryan held up the "one minute" sign, and stuck his head out the door of the office. "Hey, Javi!"

Esposito looked up. "Yeah, bro?"

Ryan motioned for him to get up and come into the office.

Esposito obeyed, closing the file he was looking at and making his way to the office. "Yo."

"Guess who Beckett saw on her break yesterday?"

"It's really not that big of a deal," Beckett muttered.

"Kinda is," Ryan stated.

"Depends on who it was," Esposito told his partner.

"It was Castle."

Esposito was silent for a moment, and then directed his attention to Beckett. "Yeah, that's kind of a big deal. You went and saw him?"

Beckett sighed. They weren't going to give it up until she told them everything. "No, I didn't go to see him, we just…ran into each other."  
"Where?" Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. "Castle was never on this side of town unless he was here or out with you."

"This little coffee shop on 42nd and Lexington," Beckett explained. "I walked in to get a cup and he was just…sitting there in a booth. We said hello, I went to leave, and he asked me to stay."

"And you actually stayed?" Esposito asked incredulously. "Why the hell should you do anything he asks you to?"

"It's been fourteen years, Espo," Beckett shrugged a bit. "And I'm tired of being angry."

Esposito and Ryan exchanged a look, and then Ryan asked, "Well…how is he?"

"He seemed okay, from what I could tell," Beckett said, running her thumb over the handle of her mug. "He got a little weird when I asked him about writing, but other than that he seemed good. Alexis has a kid now. He's two."

Esposito groaned and plugged his ears for a second. "I don't want to hear shit like that, last time I saw her she was 18."

Ryan put a hand on his shoulder. "We're old, bro."

Esposito shrugged it off. "Maybe you're old, but I'm not old."  
"You're the oldest of all of us," Ryan reminded him.

"I'm not old!" Esposito insisted.

"55 is closer to 60 than 50," Ryan taunted.

"Don't be ridiculous," Esposito glared at him. "It's right in the middle."

"But your birthday is in May."

"So?"

"So, that makes your half birthday in September, making you actually 55 and a half, meaning you're closer to 60 than 50."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."  
"You could qualify for some senior citizen discounts."

"That's 65."

"No, I'm pretty sure some places do 55. Hey, you qualify for AARP if you retire."

"You do too, jackass, so don't go there."

Ryan grinned and looked back at Beckett, deciding to stop torturing his partner. "So, are you going to see him again?"

"Maybe," Beckett shrugged. "I gave him my number. I guess if he doesn't call, I'll know whatever I did to make him leave was completely unforgivable."

Esposito gave her a sad smile and said, "Well, whatever happens, we got you. Even if we are old."

"You're old."

"Bro, you wanna do this right now? Really? Right now?"

Beckett laughed. "None of us are old, and I'll be okay. Thank you though."

Esposito's phone rang in his pocket and he pulled it out. "Esposito…yeah…yeah, okay, where you guys headed? Sure, we'll be right there," he said into the phone, and then hung up. "They got a bit of a situation at 64th and Broadway, want us to come down as soon as we can."

Ryan nodded. "We'll see you tonight, right?"

Beckett shook her head. "I'm pulling a graveyard tonight, you guys should be long gone unless something weird happens with your case to keep you here."

Ryan scoffed. "Yeah, well, this thing keeps getting weirder and weirder, so we just might have to stick around."

Beckett eyed them. "You would tell me if things were getting risky, right?"

Esposito and Ryan exchanged another look, but stayed silent.

Beckett leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Look, I know I'm not a detective any more but…" she shook her head. "But I'm your captain now, and that means I can help you. My loyalties haven't changed; you just have to tell me what's going on and what you need me to do.

"We'll be fine," Esposito assured her. "But uh…thanks. We know you'd help us."

"Good," Beckett nodded. "Alright, you guys better get going."

The duo bid her goodbye in stereo, and then left.

As soon as they were gone, her thoughts drifted back to Castle – where they had been stuck all last night as well. She may have been tired of being angry, but that didn't stop the rest of the feelings that had come That Night and following it. Confusion and longing had been the top two. And now they were back with a vengeance.

Beckett gathered her things slowly and made her way out of the building. It seemed strangely fitting that the weather that morning was similar to what it was That Night. Rainy, chilly, a bit windy. The kind of weather that made you want to go inside and curl up on the couch, the kind that drove that internal instinct to get cozy.

It made it impossible for her not to relive it again as she drove home.

_Beckett got home and dumped her things on her coffee table, thoroughly exhausted. The case had taken so much out of her – it wasn't every case that she had to deal with an act of terror. Too much death, too much sadness, and too many things it brought up that she just didn't want to think about. Like telling Castle how she felt. She knew it was time – and the case had certainly been illuminating if not morbid - and she knew that he felt the same way. _

_Or so she thought. _

_She had only just sat down and slipped off her shoes when her phone rang in her pocket. She pulled it out, and smiled when she saw Castle's face lighting up the front of her phone. "Hey Castle," she answered. "You change your mind about that drink?" _

_"Are you home?" Castle asked, his voice was stony. Measured. _

_"Um, yeah, I just got in, I-"_

_"I'm coming over," Castle cut her off. _

_"O-okay," Beckett was about to say something, but then reminded herself that she should be used to Castle showing up at her apartment uninvited. "Do you want me to order takeout or something?" _

_"No," he said shortly, and then hung up. _

_Confused, Beckett pulled her phone away from her ear. "Just thought you might be hungry," she mumbled at the phone, tossing it on the cushion next to her. _

_He had sounded off. Angry. Or hurt. Maybe both. She didn't think that he had any reason to be. Everything had been going fine, hadn't it? They were closer than ever, Alexis was enjoying her internship, Frozen Heat was almost finished, they caught the killer again…_

_No, she was sure she had just misunderstood. He was probably just coming over to talk about what they had both been on the verge of admitting at the precinct. Maybe the tone in his voice was nerves. He wanted to come here before he changed his mind. That must be it. _

_Beckett got up from the couch and went into the bathroom to do a little work on her hair (there was nothing wrong with wanting to look good while telling the man you loved how you felt) and tried to ignore the knot slowly forming in her stomach. This was really it. She was finally ready to tell him everything, let down her damned walls. _

_She would be a liar if she said she wasn't nervous. _

_About ten minutes later, there was a knock at her door. For some reason, even his knock sounded different. It wasn't rapid and almost cheery like it usually was. This one was slow. Three, evenly spaced, slow, heavy knocks. _

_Beckett swallowed hard, and went to open the door. She swung it open, and felt herself grin when she laid eyes on him. "Hey, come on in," she stepped back and opened the door wider so that he could come in. _

_Castle said nothing, but walked through the door, and then stood only a few steps into her living room. _

_"Why don't you sit down, Rick?" Beckett continued to smile at him. _

_"I'd rather not," Castle said carefully. _

_Beckett scanned his face for some clue as to what he was feeling, but came up empty. His face was purposefully blank, and it wasn't a look she enjoyed. "Well, do you want a drink or something?" she tried. _

_"No. Listen, Beckett, we need to talk," Castle said, getting straight to the point._

_"We do," Beckett nodded, attempting to ignore the way him using her last name again made her nervous. "I was thinking about what you said, about the chances that those people are never goi-"_

_"Let me go first," Castle interrupted. He didn't add "please", he didn't apologize for cutting her off, he just stared at her, all traces of warmth gone from his eyes. _

_Beckett hesitated, and then nodded. Oh, no. Something was definitely wrong. _

_Castle looked away, swallowed hard, and then said, "I can't shadow you anymore." _

_The words fell on Beckett's ears, but she couldn't completely process them. This was the exact opposite of how she expected this conversation to go. "What?" she asked quietly.  
"I can't shadow you anymore," Castle repeated. "I…no. I just can't." _

_"Why?" Beckett asked, an edge of desperation now laced in with her voice. "Of course you can, why wouldn't you be able to?" _

_"Because I don't want to," Castle brought his eyes up and locked them onto hers. He shrugged. _

_"You love the precinct," Beckett tried. "Come on, Rick, please, don't be…silly, or whatever it is that you're being right now."_

_"I'm being serious. I'm done with all of it, there's nothing of interest for me there any more," Castle picked a loose thread off of his shirt. "My fascination has subsided." _

_"You were into it just yesterday!" Beckett exclaimed, her voice rising a bit in volume. "That's crap!" _

_"Think what you want, it doesn't really matter to me," Castle said coldly. "I won't be showing up tomorrow, or writing any more Nikki Heat books. I already collected my things from your desk, so you don't have to deal with that. You're free to do whatever." _

_Beckett felt tears well up in her eyes. "You can't do this to me, Rick," she swallowed hard, trying to keep them from brimming over. "Please." _

_Castle said nothing, just continued to look at her. _

_To Beckett's dismay, tears began to spill over and onto her cheeks. She wiped them away angrily and tried again, "Clearly, there is something bothering you, because you don't do things like this. Please, just tell me what it is and I promise you, I will do anything and everything in my power to fix it. Whatever it is. But you have to tell me what you're upset about."  
"I'm not upset," Castle said with a heartbreaking kind of indifference. "You're the only one upset here, Detective Beckett. I'm fine." He held up his palms._

_"The hell you are!" Beckett now yelled. Maybe it was the hard case, maybe it was how much she cared, but she couldn't help how emotional she was getting. "People don't just abandon each other if they're not upset! Not after everything we've been through!" She swallowed hard and brushed away more tears. She lowered her volume, "Please, you can't just leave me. You're…you're the best friend I have. And…more. I can tell you all about that but you have to stay. We can work this out, but you have to tell me what I need to do." _

_Castle fought the desperate urge to hug her and apologize profusely that was building inside of him. He stuffed it deep down inside of himself, and kept his face even. He didn't even offer her a tissue. "There's nothing to do, Detective," he told her frostily. "I just don't care about it any more." _

_"What happened to 'always'?" Beckett whispered, her green eyes full of tears and anger; hurt splayed on every feature of her face. _

_Castle shrugged again, putting his hands in his pockets. "Things change." _

_"'Always' means it won't," Beckett snapped. _

_Castle studied her for a minute, and with almost a hint of an angry smile, he said, "I guess I lied." _

_Beckett's jaw clenched harder, and she scolded herself internally for crying. _

_"If that's all, I'll be going now," he walked to her door and opened it. "You'll get over it soon enough," he said, and then shut the door behind him. _

_Beckett stood there for a few minutes after, tears streaming down her cheeks, shocked to her very core, hearing the ring of the door shutting behind him reverberating in her ears. _

_It had to be a dream, didn't it? The Richard Castle she knew would never leave her, much less with such indifference. The Richard Castle she knew wasn't so cruel, and always kept his promises even though he never did what he was told. The Richard Castle she knew would have held her hand and told her she'd be all right. _

_It became increasingly clear that the Richard Castle she knew was gone. The one who went to see Forbidden Planet with her, and ordered take out, and invited her to family events, and made inappropriate jokes, and dedicated books to her, and risked life and limb trying to save her or simply stick by his unspoken promise to go wherever she went was gone, and wasn't coming back. _

_He wouldn't even tell her what she did. _

_He left her to sit and wonder what in the world she did to break them. _

_Beckett sat down on the floor, and wiped away more tears. She hated that she was crying because of him, but what else was she to do? She was going to tell him she loved him, and he cut her off to tell her he didn't care any more. _

_She started to count off the things in her head that she had lost over the course of her life, but it made her too sad. _

_So, Beckett stood herself up, made herself get changed, brush her teeth and wash her face, and then climb into bed. _

_It felt a lot like grief. _

_Except maybe almost worse, because Castle chose to leave. He wanted to. _

_She closed her eyes, and forced herself to go to sleep so that she didn't have to think anymore. _

There was still a residual ache that hit Beckett's heart when she replayed That Night in her head all these years later. She hadn't let herself think about it in a long time, but it still brought up emotions she'd rather not face.

And now, she and Castle had reconnected. Foolishly, she had managed to get herself into another situation where she was waiting on him to contact her first. She didn't know how it kept happening. Perhaps her pride stood in the way.

But as Beckett pulled into her parking spot for her apartment, she couldn't help but realize that despite all of that…

She hoped he'd call.


	4. Chapter 4

**I am so so sorry I haven't gotten this up before now. I really am trying to give you daily updates but the first day I was out having a life for once (doesn't happen very often, don't worry - sidenote the Dark Knight Rises was great), the second day my grandmother went into the ICU (prayers and happy thoughts would be must appreciated), and yesterday I spent cleaning and giving advice to a friend. So, there's that. I'll get back to normal now, thanks for your patience. **

**Didn't have time to proof read, so if there are any mistakes, I'm sorry!**

**I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.**

* * *

Richard Castle had lost the child.

Okay, he didn't _lose_ lose him – he had to be in the loft somewhere – but for the time being, he had lost the child.

"Grandpa, I think I want some chocolate milk," Jake had informed Castle. Which, of course, left him with no choice but to get up and get it. He had been pouring milk one minute, and then when he turned around…

He had lost the child.

It had been three days since his run-in with Beckett, and Jake had come over for a bit while Alexis and Tom had a date night.

To find a two-year-old, you had to think like a two-year-old.

Castle crept into the living room and stood in the middle, eyes sweeping every crevice of the room. When his search turned up nothing, he walked around carefully, peeking behind and under furniture, blankets, pillows, and lamps.

Nada. The kid was good.

Frowning, he sat down on the couch. If he was two, and had free reign on a loft, where would he go? He decided the living room was a dumb idea. Much too obvious. Too ordinary. Jake had been in the living room a million times, that's not where he would sneak off. No, it had to be somewhere more interesting. Maybe somewhere he'd been in a handful of times, but had never been able to completely explore…

Realization dawned on Castle and a smile spread slowly across his face.

_The study._

Castle got up and made his way to the study, being as quiet as possible. The door was almost completely shut, and the light was on inside it. Small rustling sounds came from inside, followed by drawers being opened and shut, and his desk chair creaking.

_Bingo._

He eased open the door to find Jake sitting contentedly at his desk, looking through an old, red leather bound photo album. He turned his attention to his grandfather with his mother's ice blue eyes and his father's messy brown hair, looking for all the world as if he had meant to be found the entire time.

Castle smiled softly at him and asked, "What'cha got there, buddy?"

"Photos," Jake said simply. "I don't know these people."

Castle scanned the photo albums on his shelf, "Which one did you grab?"

"The unlabeled one," Jake turned the page and then studied it.

"The unlabeled one?" Castle repeated blankly, trying to recall such an album.

"Yeah, all of them are labeled except this one," Jake explained. "Mommy's told me that you label stuff to remember what it is, so that must mean you wanted to forget this. But you kept it, so I don't know what that means."

Castle shook his head finally walked around behind Jake to see just which album he had to find Beckett's face staring back at him.

Oh. That.

Castle let out a slow, steady breath. "You know, you're pretty smart for a toddler."

A nervous look cast a shadow on Jake's face. "You don't sound happy. Did I do something bad?"

"No, no, you just…you surprise me, that's all," Castle gave him a reassuring smile. He gestured at the album and asked, "Do you want to hear the story?"

Jake grinned and nodded.

"Alright, hop up then so Grandpa can sit down, and I'll tell you anything you want to know, okay?"

Jake scrambled out of the chair and then climbed up on Castle's lap just as quickly, eager to find out. He sat horizontally on his lap, his back against one armrest and feet dangling through the other one. He rested his head on Castle's chest, getting cozy.

Castle took a hold of the large album and tipped it so that the bottom was on his knees, and they could see the photos in their entirety. "Okay, when is your mommy coming to get you again?"

"Ten," Jake told him. "What time is it?"

"8:23, we've got plenty of time," Castle flipped back to the beginning. "Any good story starts with questions, so why don't you give me your first one?"

Jake considered for a moment, and then pointed to Beckett in a picture that he had taken when they first started working together. "Her," he said decisively. "She's pretty, and she's in here lots. What's her name?"

Castle smiled. "Her name is Kate Beckett," he informed the child. "She is pretty, isn't she? Yeah, you'll see a lot of her in this one."

"What's she like?" Jake inquired.

Castle turned the question over in his mind, trying to collect his thoughts. After a moment he said, "Kate is…well, she's a police officer. A detective, actually. See, her job is to catch bad guys, and put them in jail for doing awful things. So, one of the things she is is very smart. She's also observant, which is important for a detective."

Jake looked up at him. "Is she good at her job?"

"Oh, yes, absolutely," Castle said, nodding a bit. "Sometimes maybe too good. She can get tunnel vision pretty easily."

"What's that?"

"It's where you focus on one thing too much, and you stop focusing on everything else."

"I like that term."

"It's a good term," Castle agreed.

"What else was she?" Jake pressed.

Castle wasn't sure what had gotten him so fascinated with this album and with Beckett in particular, but he continued on, saying, "She could be very funny, when she wanted to be. She didn't want to be very often, mind you, but if she really tried she could do it. She was…caring. And supportive. She would make fun of you mercilessly, but at the end of the day, there would be no doubt in your mind that she had your back," he eyed her picture and added. "She was a very good friend."

"Then why isn't it finished?"

"Wait, what?"

Jake grabbed the pages of the album, and flipped to the back, pointing at the blank pages. "It's not finished," he said again. "It just stops."

Castle sighed heavily. "It's complicated, I guess."

Jake frowned. "I hate it when adults say that. That's not a reason."

Castle smiled a bit. "No, I guess it's not," he said easily, flipping back to the second page.

"Did you guys stop being friends?" Jake asked, looking up at him again.

"Yeah, we did," Castle's eyes never left the second picture on the left page. It was a particularly happy one from their second year of being partners, taken at his annual Halloween party. There was him decked out as Poe, and Beckett was right next to him, looking normal – save for the giant worm protruding from her stomach like a pop-up book. There was a shot right below it that had everyone in the group in it, but they were on opposite ends of that photo. He liked this one much better, with Beckett's head practically on his shoulder, and them both grinning like fools. "I guess people just aren't always all you made them out to be."

"But you look so happy," Jake insisted. "Happy people don't just stop being friends."

"People…they grow apart sometimes," Castle said slowly. "There isn't always a reason." That hadn't been what had happened between them, but he didn't want to expose him to such a complicated situation. It was better to just go with a truth about life, make it sound more innocent.

Jake seemed lost in thought for a moment, and then said, "But that's how people who are in love smile."

That caught Castle off guard. "It is?"

Jake nodded, looking as if he had never been surer of anything in his life. "Yeah," he pointed to the first picture. "Those are the same smiles that my mommy and daddy give each other. She gives him that smile when he gets back from long trips too. That's the Love Smile."

Castle smiled a bit sadly. "Yeah," he chuckled. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"Knock knock."

Both boys' heads turned towards the door to find Alexis standing in the doorway, smiling at him.

"I thought you said she wasn't coming until ten!" Castle looked back at Jake.

The young boy smiled sheepishly at him. "I thought she was?"

Castle laughed, "You're a bad liar, my friend. Hop up, I'm sure your mommy wants to get home."

Jake grumbled something, but climbed down obediently, going to his mother and giving her a hug. "Mom, I love you, but I want you to know you have something called bad timing. It's okay though, it's fixable."

Alexis laughed and ruffled his hair. "We'll work on that. For now, however, I want you to go get your stuff from the living room, use the restroom, whatever you need to do to get ready to go, okay?"

"Alright," Jake agreed, and then set off.

"Sorry, I would have had him ready to go already, but I was led to believe you weren't coming until ten," Castle gave a small apologetic shrug.

Alexis waved a hand. "It's no big deal," she assured him, coming further into the office. "What were you boys looking at?"

"Oh, um," Castle shook his head. "Just some old photo album that Jake pulled out and was asking about."

He began to close it, but Alexis stuck her hand out to stop it, flipping it back open again. She gazed at it for a moment, taking in the faces that were familiar, but ones she hadn't seen in quite some time. After a while, she looked back up at her father and asked, "You've really missed her, haven't you?"

Castle sighed a bit. "Yeah, I guess I have. Big part of my life for a while."

Alexis nodded slowly, processing. "I think you should call her," she said finally.

"Excuse me?" Castle closed the album and got up to put it back on the shelf. "Weren't you the one who was all for me staying far away?"

"I know, but…" Alexis wore a dubious air about her. "I just…I don't know, you seem like you really want to call her, you know?" she shrugged. "It's not my life, Dad, and while I am worried about her hurting you again, maybe I also need to worry about how _you _feel." Alexis sat on the top of Castle's desk, and put her hand on his as he sat back down. "I just care, Dad. I don't want you to hurt. Period."

Castle gave her a knowing smile. "This isn't a split second decision, is it?"

"I've kinda thought a lot about it," Alexis admitted.

"So what's your final decision?"

"I need to stay out of it," Alexis smiled softly. "I can't keep treating you like you're Jake. You've got 52 years on him –"

"Thanks for that reminder."

"And I shouldn't act like I have any say in this. If you want to see her again then…" Alexis lifted her hand and let it fall again. "If you're not mad anymore, I guess I have no right to be either."

Castle eyed her cautiously with a smirk. "You sure you mean all that?"

"Yeah," Alexis said, nodding, not sounding or looking very sure at all. "It might take some practice, but…I want to mean it."

"Good enough for me," Castle chuckled. "But uh…I don't even know if I'm going to call her."

Alexis gave him a look. "You're killing me here," she told him flatly. "Why not?"

"I just don't know if I wan to drag everything back out again, you know?" Castle fidgeted with a pen. "I mean, what if you're right? What if I just get myself into the same situation I did before? I have a habit of doing that. Happened with Gina…"

"Dad, come on," Alexis looked at him almost sternly. "Even I'll admit that there is nothing similar about Detective Beckett and Gina. You want to know what I think?"

"What's that?"

"I think you should stop thinking," Alexis picked up his phone and handed it to him. "And call her. The night is young; invite her to get a drink with you. If it doesn't go the way you want, fine, you never have to call her again. But I know you, and I know it'd be better for you to find out than to sit around and wonder 'if only'."

"Maybe you're right…" Castle looked uncertainly at his phone.  
"I know I am," Alexis said with a smirk. She leaned over and kissed her dad on top of his head.

"Well, here, let me walk you guys to the door, and then I'll deal with this," Castle got up and made his way to the front door with Alexis in tow, Jake waiting patiently, staring intently at the ceiling.

Castle crouched down to his level and stared upward. "What'cha looking at, bud?"

"I was just thinking some interesting thoughts," Jake informed him.

"I like interesting thoughts," Castle said. "What were these about?"

"Well, you know ceilings, right?" Jake glanced at him.

Castle suppressed a grin. "I seem to recall a few things about them."  
"Well, they're mostly always white. How cool would it be if they had little sensors that sensed what you really wanted to see most? And it could just put it up there, and then your heart would feel better 'cause you could be seeing it," Jake continued to study the ceiling.

"That would be very cool indeed," Castle put a hand on his grandson's back. "I think that would make a lot of sad people very happy."

"What would you see if you had one?" Jake's eyes left the ceiling for the first time in a while.

"I would see you, your mother, and your dad," Castle told him. "I always want to see you three."

"But what if you were already with us?"

"Well then I wouldn't be missing anything."

"But if you had to pick."

"I couldn't pick anything else, what would you see?"  
"I don't know, maybe us riding on the back of a T-Rex. I really want to see that."

Castle laughed again, "That would be pretty awesome. I think your mommy is waiting for us to get done talking though, so maybe this conversation should be continued another time."

"Okay," Jake smiled at him. "Bye Grandpa, I love you!"

"Bye, buddy," Castle hugged him and kissed the side of his head. "I love you too. We'll hang Sunday, okay?"

"Alrighty," Jake's smile had morphed into a grin.

Castle stood, and embraced Alexis as well. "Drive safe, Pumpkin."

"Will do, Dad," Alexis smiled warmly at him. "Come on Jake, hold Mommy's hand."

Castle closed the door behind them and locked it – his mother could use her key for once – and meandered back into his study. He sat down in his chair, and looked out the window. After a few moments, he opened the middle drawer of his desk and took out the napkin with Beckett's number and looked at it. Her handwriting – even with numbers – was so distinct to him. The way the numbers seven and zero had little slashes through them, the point on the top of the four, the giant curve in the two. It was familiar. Almost comforting in an inexplicable way.

His mind was made up.

Castle grabbed his phone from beside him, and took his time typing in the numbers. Was he really doing this? It seemed to him that it meant a lot, calling to see her again after all these years. There was a chance that he was reading too much into it, but nothing was what it seemed on the surface with them, so he deemed it unlikely. He waited as it rung for what seemed like forever.  
"Beckett," she answered, sounding formal. He guessed she didn't recognize the number.

"Uh, hey," Castle said awkwardly. "It's Castle."

"Oh, hey!" Beckett's voice was instantly warmer. It was funny how they had the same reactions that they had back then. Perhaps that was something in your core, something you couldn't forget.

"What are you up to?" Castle did his best to sound casual, suddenly unsure what to say.

"Oh, just heading out of the office for the night. Hold on one sec," the phone sounded as if it was being covered by her hand, and he heard a muffled "Mind your own business, Esposito."

Castle couldn't help but smile.

"Anyway, sorry, what's new with you?" Beckett's voice was accompanied by the soft ding of the elevator doors, and a flood of memories hit him again.

"Jake and Alexis just went home. Actually, I was kind of wondering if you had plans for tonight," Castle chose his words carefully. Why did this feel so much like asking her out on a date?

"No, not really," a car door shut and an engine started. "I actually haven't even gotten that far yet. It's been kind of a crazy day."

"Well, would you maybe want to grab a drink at the Old Haunt? I'm buying," Castle tried.

"Yeah, actually that sounds nice," Beckett's voice sounded like a smile. "I'll meet you there in ten?"

"Sounds good," Castle smiled yet again. "I'll see you then."

"Okay, bye," Beckett said, sounding ever so slightly excited, and then hung up.

Castle looked up at his ceiling, and it occurred to him that if Jake's invention were real, at that moment, Beckett's face would have lit it up.


	5. Chapter 5

******It's 1:52 in the morning here, but I haven't been to bed yet, so I consider this a same day post. Thanks as always for the love. **

******Didn't have time to proof read, so if there are any mistakes, I'm sorry!**

**I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.**

* * *

Beckett hadn't been back at the Old Haunt since their partnership ended. Not only was it their place, but also because she didn't want to risk running into the owner. She would have rather driven clear down to the Business District to get a drink than run the chance of stumbling upon Castle while she was just trying to unwind.

But now, the place seemed as familiar and welcoming as she remembered it. With its dark green walls and warm lighting, it reminded her of many happier moments that took place within the building. She scanned the place with her eyes, looking for a familiar face. It wasn't long before she settled a man in a brown sweater sitting at the bar, the back of his head all too familiar.

Beckett would know him anywhere.

She felt herself smile, and made her way across the room, taking the stool beside him. "Hey, sorry it took me a little longer to get here than I thought. Broadway was backed up."

"Oh, hey, no, don't worry about it," Castle gave her a smile in return. "Broadway can be awful."

Beckett eyed his beverage dubiously. "Is your beer…orange?"

"Oh, yeah," Castle glanced at it, and then raised his hand to flag down the bartender. "Hold on, I've gotta get you one of these."

"I'm not so sure I'm into orange beer," Beckett replied, shrugging out of her blazer in the warmth of the bar.

"You'll be into this," Castle motioned at the bottle to the bartender. "Just trust me."

They caught each other's eyes for a moment, and Beckett said, "Okay, fine, I'll try it."

Castle held an excited look in his eyes as he passed her a bottle. "That's all I ask."

Beckett attempted to look at the label to see what she was drinking, but Castle quickly covered it up with his hand. She shot him a look. "Oh, come on."

"Nope, seeing what you're going to taste before you taste it gives you expectations," Castle told her, hand still clamped firmly on the bottle. "It's a blind taste test."

Beckett sighed and said, "Fine," and put her hand over the label as well, on top of Castle's. "I'll cover it up."

Castle's eyes locked on to hers again and he managed out, "Good." He couldn't believe it still felt like that, all those years later. Couldn't believe that their chemistry was still there. He couldn't still have some remnants of feelings for her, could he? After everything she did, and so much time had passed? But there he was, feeling some of the same things he would have felt in this situation fourteen years ago.

"Rick?" Beckett said his name softly, in the same near trance he was. "I'm going to need you to remove your hand if you want me to taste this."

"Right, yeah, of course," Castle broke eye contact to glance at their hands, and then slowly slid his out. It returned to his bottle, and the spell was broken. He had to remind himself that he was being foolish. Things weren't the same way they were, That Night had changed things. There was no going back.

Beckett took a cautious sip and swished it over her tongue a bit. "Huh," she said, and then took another, larger sip, and repeated the process. "Okay, that's actually really good, what is this?"

"What did I tell you?" Castle grinned at her. "It's pumpkin beer. I never thought to stock it in the fall until now. It's great, right?"

"I never would have thought of combining those two, but yeah, it really is," Beckett looked at the bottle with a sort of mild curiosity. "Interesting. Anyway, how are you?"

"Not bad. I've spent most of the night in the company of a two-year-old, so I haven't really had much adult conversation today, but I can't complain," Castle chuckled.

"Your grandson's name is Jake, right?" Beckett asked.

Castle nodded easily. "Yeah, he's a lot of fun. I would keep him all the time if I could. Alexis insists that he has to spend time with his parents as well though, which, quite frankly, I don't understand."

Beckett laughed lightly. "What did you guys do?"

"I took him to get ice cream at Serendipity – that was actually dinner, but we didn't tell Alexis – and then we went back to the loft and watched some old school Spongebob. We also looked at some…old photos," Castle chose his wording carefully while listing their last activity.

"Sounds like you had a good time," she took another sip and smiled. It felt good to smile. It had been a hard day, and she had forgotten what it was like to have someone around who could make it all go away with a bit of light conversation. But there was an underlying tone of uncertainty to it that kept her teetering on the edge of comfort. Everything was so familiar, felt so right, so very similar to the way things were when they were good. But it wasn't the same. They were both in the same place, saying the same things, but they weren't entirely on the same page. They were just sitting there, half in the water and half out, bones creaking under the weight of all the things they weren't saying.

Castle nodded again, mimicking her motions, and then asked, "What did you do today? You said on the phone it had been a crazy day."

"Ryan and Espo have just been chasing this guy who's a complete and utter psychopath, and I've been worried all day that they're going to get themselves killed," Beckett rested her elbows on the bar and rubbed her temples. "I've been constantly trying to keep uniforms in whatever area they're in so that if they _do_ get themselves in a situation that they can't get out of, I have people standing by to go in after them," she sat up again and shook her head. "I have no idea how Montgomery did it for as long as he did."

Castle chuckled. "I'm sure he was as flabbergasted as you are right now when he first started. You'll settle in."

Beckett laughed skeptically. "It's been a year. I think if I was meant to be in this job, it would have gotten easier by now."

Castle narrowed his eyes. "I'm sorry, did I just hear Kate Beckett say that she couldn't do something?"

Beckett straightened. "Well, no. I mean I didn't say that, I was just saying –"

"You said you thought you weren't meant to do this job. Or, you heavily implied it, at the very least. I dunno, to me that sounds like you can't do it. Maybe it's just too much for you," Castle took a swig of his beer nonchalantly.

A spark flared in Beckett's eyes. "Hey, I will have you know I'm the youngest captain the NYPD has had in fifteen years, and the youngest female to date. I wouldn't have gotten the promotion if I couldn't handle it. My detectives, my cops, and everyone in between are happy, including my higher ups. I do a damn good job at a job that's hard to do."

Castle smiled slightly and his eyebrows twitched upward.

Beckett sighed heavily and then said, "Yeah, okay. Thank you, I needed to hear myself say that." She directed her gaze to the wall behind the bar.

"You're welcome," Castle looked at her, and then said in a softer voice, "You're going to be great, Kate."

The corners of Beckett's mouth turned up again slightly. "Thanks, Rick."

"So…I've heard about your life at work…what's it like outside these days?" Castle asked slowly. He was curious…but he didn't want to cross any boundaries.

Beckett bit her lip. "It's um…" how could she say "absolutely dead" without sounding pathetic? "It's just me," she said, deciding to answer the question he was dancing around.

"Oh," Castle said, and then took another drink. It was hard for him to find the right words around her now.

"I was engaged once," Beckett admitted quietly. "But um, that didn't work out."

Castle felt a familiar ache in his heart. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"Um," Beckett swallowed hard, and collected her thoughts for a moment. "I met this guy named Mark. It was the kind of thing where we just kept running into each other. The coffee shop, the bar by the twelfth, the bookstore, everywhere. We even checked to make sure he wasn't following me at one point. But he wasn't. We were just…remarkably similar. He asked me out, I said yes. We started dating. It was about four years after you left."

Castle nodded when she paused to let her know that she had his full attention. He was tuned in, focused. He always had been around her.

"Mark was…" Beckett shook her head and fixed her gaze on her bottle. "He was great, you know? He was sweet, caring, charming, funny, handsome…all those things you think you want in a man. We got along well, and our lives just kind of blended seamlessly into each other. He was an accountant, so he worked typical nine to five hours, so he was actually off when I was. We never fought. He didn't hover over me or worry, but he did ask me about things at work. He understood when I worked weird hours. Everything just seemed to work. We moved in together after a year. After another year, he proposed," her voice grew quiet again. "I said yes."

Castle didn't like the jealousy that reared in the part of himself that he had buried when he left, but he asked, "What happened, Kate?"

Beckett took a deep breath. "I left him at the altar."

Castle's eyes grew wide, and his eyebrows rose up in his forehead.

Beckett gave a humorless chuckle. "Yeah, I know, right? I didn't think I had it in me. But it finally clicked that while I was comfortable…I didn't love him. And I didn't know if I could put up with that for the rest of my life," she took a swig of her drink. "I meant what I said way back when about being a 'one and done' kind of girl. I didn't see him as being my…'done', for lack of a better term."

"I'm sorry," Castle said genuinely. "That can't have been easy."

"It wasn't," Beckett agreed. "He was so mad at me. My dad and the team were all compassionate, but it was Vera that was the real life saver."

"Vera?" Castle asked.

"Vera Mulqueen," Beckett said with a smile. "A.K.A. Viola Maddox."

Recognition softened Castle's features. "The Blue Butterfly," he said, sounding almost amazed. "I'll be damned. How'd you two get back in touch?"

"Joe died the year before I met Mark," Beckett gave a sad little smile. "Vera came in to the precinct one day looking for me. Said he wanted the detectives who let them keep their lives at his funeral. She invited me, and then asked where you were. I told her you didn't shadow me anymore, and…well, she looked disappointed, to say the least. She asked me if I knew how to get a hold of you, and I told her I didn't. We looked in the phone book, but you weren't listed. I knew your file in the system wouldn't have been updated, and it wouldn't have been ethical anyway. You could have moved…she finally told me it was okay, and that just I could come."

Castle frowned. "I'm sorry to hear that. That's really a shame, I liked Joe. He risked it all for love."

"He stuck with Vera even when things got rough," Beckett lifted her eyes to find his, something almost accusatory in her stare.

It was a subtle dig, but Castle understood. "He was a good man," he agreed, pretending as if he hadn't got it.

"That he was. Anyway, Vera and I started talking a lot after that. We became friends. She was so great, Castle, you would have loved getting to know her. We were a lot alike, Vera and I. She would just listen and listen and _listen_, until I thought she was going to overload. She would listen to me talk about anything, everything. And then, only when I couldn't think of a single thing to tell her that was new, she would tell me about her day. And I would return the favor, and listen to her. She spoke almost softly, you know? She chose each word carefully. She could make a story about a cardinal at her bird feeder sound like the most intriguing saga in the world," Beckett now looked almost far away, lost in a memory.

"I'm sorry, I have to ask, why is this all past tense?" Castle asked nervously.

"Vera died early the next year," Beckett told him. "Must have been about eight years ago now. She was a strong woman to have made it as far as she did without Joe. She cried every day after he died. She had based her whole life off of her relationship with him…when he was gone, she couldn't really figure out what life was supposed to be like again," she glanced at him, her words full of double meaning, and then began to pick at the label on her beer. "I still remember her rescuing me the day off the wedding. She just kept asking me if I was sure, if I really loved him. Finally, I decided I wasn't, and I didn't, and I just kind of…panicked. She took me to her car – dress and all – and we went back to her house. She sat me down on the couch, put a blanket around my shoulders, and fixed me a cup of tea. She sat with me all day, and I just cried. I didn't know what else to do, everything was so out of control, and she comforted me all day long. Stroked my hair, and told me I'd get through it."

"My condolences to both things, then," Castle said softly. "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"You couldn't have," Beckett said simply with an accompanying shrug. "So, what about you? Anyone special these days?"

Castle laughed a bit. "Um, no, no, not at all. Mother's tried to set me up a few times, but that never goes over well. I don't know, I haven't really put much effort into it either. My whole life was Alexis and Mother, and then helping get Alexis and Tom on their feet, and now Jake. It hasn't really been a priority."

Beckett nodded. "It sounds like things have been good for you," she smiled warmly at him. She couldn't stay mad about what happened. She couldn't. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that letting go was healthy.

"Yeah, they have," Castle smiled too. "I'm a lucky man."

Beckett looked around the Old Haunt fondly. "Lot of memories in this place, huh?"

Castle closed his eyes briefly. "We don't have to do that."

Her attention turned to him. "Do what?"

"Talk about…all that," Castle spoke to the wall instead of to her. "The past. What's done is done."

Beckett's eyebrows knit together, surprised at his attitude. "Um, okay then…fine, no past."

"Good," Castle nodded once. "Thank you."

They lapsed into silence for a moment, and then Beckett said quietly, "I just don't get it."

Castle looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Don't get what?" he asked, and then took another drink.

"I don't get what I could have possibly done to make you want to forget four years of being partners," Beckett explained. "I really don't."

"Beckett, don't –"

"No, you," Beckett looked at him hard. "It's been fourteen years, Castle," she nearly whispered to him. "Don't you think that's long enough to wait for an answer?"

"I don't want to get into this," Castle said in a measured tone. "It's in the past, let's just move on."

"Easy for you to do," Beckett's jaw was clenched tight. "You know what I did. You know why you decided to walk away from everything, I can see how _you _could leave it in the past, but there are those of us in this situation that are clueless. I'm all for building bridges, but you have to tell me why they burnt in the first place."

Castle let out a long breath through his nose. "I don't think you want to get into this tonight."  
"You're confusing the two of us."

"It would take too much time to get through."

"I've got all the time in the world."

"It's complicated."

"I wouldn't expect any less."

"I heard you, okay?" Castle finally snapped, looking at her with years of repressed anger. "I heard you. In the interrogation room, the bomb case, _I_ _heard you._"

Beckett's heart rabbited in her chest. "What are you talking about?"

Castle clenched his bottle in an effort to keep from shaking. He was still so _angry._ He had stuffed it far down, but now it was all coming to the forefront again. "The suspect, he was saying how he didn't remember something. I stood there in the observation room behind the glass, and listened to you tell that slimy little son of a bitch that you remembered every second of your shooting. Every second."

Beckett pressed her lips together as understanding settled in around her. "Castle, I can explain, I-"

"Don't bother," Castle said in a clipped tone. "You heard me tell you that I loved you, and you lied to me about it. There's nothing more to explain."

Beckett shook her head. "There is. I just wasn't ready at the time, I couldn't process everything that was going on, I was in a million different places at onc-"

"So you lied about it?" Castle half exclaimed. "So you just decided that it was better to fake a medical condition than to just talk to me? Maybe, oh, I don't know, tell me all of this?" he was breathing heavily as he looked at her. He lowered his voice a bit, and then said, "I would have waited, Kate. I was prepared to wait. But I couldn't wait around for a liar. Much less someone who never felt the same way in the first place."

Beckett stared at him incredulously for a moment. "_That's _why you think I did that? Because I didn't feel the same way?"

"I get it, you didn't want to hurt my feelings, you're a good friend, whatever," Castle looked stony in a way that made Beckett's stomach churn. "But I couldn't handle working with you knowing you would lie to me about something like that."

Beckett's jaw tensed more still. "You know what? Fine. Believe what you want. Your mind's already made up, hearing what I have to say wouldn't change it at this point. You've got me all made out to be the bad guy in this little story of yours, but have you ever stopped to think that maybe you were so blinded by your own hurt that you never even considered my side of things? Maybe thought for two seconds about the direction things had been leaning in during that case?"

Castle was silent for a moment, and then asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you have any idea why I invited you out for a drink? Any clue as to what I was going to tell you That Night?" Beckett waited for a moment, and when he said nothing, she continued. "I was going to tell you that I felt the same way. I was going to tell you that I was finally ready to be together, put everything else aside, stop making excuses, all that. And then you went and just walked away, and left me wondering what the _hell_ I did."

A new, unidentifiable look diluted the anger on Castle's face. "You…what?"

"I was ready, Rick," Beckett emphasized every word. "Yes, I lied. But you never even gave me a chance."

"What possible good reason could you have for lying about something that big, for that long?" Castle challenged.  
"Oh, gee, I don't know, Castle, maybe the fact that Montgomery was dead, everything that had to do with my mother's case was gone, I had just been _shot,_" Beckett ran a hand over her face. "It was a hectic and crazy time. Not to mention I made that decision while I was still under heavy sedation, and then had to just go with it, keep it up. I didn't want to get into it before I was ready because I didn't want to sabotage the decent chance we had."

Castle fell silent again, attempting to process. "You kept that secret for far too long to explain it away with something so simple," he said gravely.

"I never said it wasn't wrong," Beckett pointed out. "I just said that you never let me get my side out."

Castle said nothing.

"Rick," Beckett said, calling his attention back to her. "I'm sorry, okay? For everything. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I should have just talked to you. But I didn't, and I had my reasons."

"I want to forgive you," Castle admitted in an almost normal tone. "I think that might take some time, but I want to forgive you."

"Yeah, I had to forgive you a while back or I was never going to move on," Beckett told him. "So, I forgive you too."

Castle nodded once. "We felt the same way, all this time," he said to the wall, and then looked at her. "So, what now? Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," Beckett said, and finished off the last of the liquid in her bottle.

"Maybe we should just call it a night," Castle repeated her action, and then stood, digging money out of his wallet.

"No," Beckett said firmly, looking up at him.

Castle raised his eyebrows.

"This game has been going on for eighteen years total, and I'm tired of playing it. I want to get something figured out, even if it takes all night. We can't leave it here, that's not an option any more."

Castle eyed her for a moment, and then said, "Alright, come on, we can at least finish this conversation back at the loft."

Beckett nodded, satisfied, and got up from the bar, following him out into the night.

* * *

**_Dedicated in loving memory to Chad Everett (6/11/36 - 7/24/12) who portrayed the real Joe in "The Blue Butterfly" who died after losing his battle with lung cancer, and to all who continue to fight._**


	6. Chapter 6

******_* PLEASE READ A/N * PLEASE READ A/N *_**

******I would like to address a few reviews I have received regarding the vocabulary and actions of Castle's grandson in the story, Jake. _I am well aware that he would be extremely advanced for a two-year-old. _His age was something that I threw out there in the first chapter and then - much like Beckett's lie - I had to keep up, even though he had to be a bit more vocal for the part I wanted him to play. In order to make the story more readable to those of you who have an issue with this, I will refrain from mentioning the child's age in further chapters, and you may adjust his age as you wish, as it does not affect the story. In truth, Jake's age has nothing to do with the main plot of the story, and the focus remains on Castle and Beckett. Thank you, and I hope I didn't lose any of you to such a small issue.  
**

******And, as always, thank you for all the love from the majority of you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to your lovely reviews, but I value you all.**

**I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.**

* * *

"Been a while since I've been in this place," Beckett said, looking around the loft as she hung up her jacket. "Still looks the same."

"I'm not much of one for redecorating," Castle told her as they walked in the kitchen. "You want something to drink?"

"Maybe just water, I kind of want to be thinking clearly for this," Beckett replied, sitting on a bar stool at the island.

Castle frowned at the beer that he had pulled from the fridge, and then put it back, grabbing two bottles of water instead. He took a seat next to her, and passed her one of the bottles. "So…" he began, fidgeting with the bottle. "What now?"

Beckett shrugged a bit. "You tell me," she looked at him. "What do you still need to talk through?"

Castle let out a long breath through his mouth and rubbed his forehead a bit. "Can we just talk about the lie for a second?"

Beckett nodded once. She didn't really have much choice in the matter, did she? "If that's what needs to happen, then fine. Ask any question you want."

"I guess I just…I still don't understand why," Castle made eye contact with her for the briefest of seconds, and then looked away again. "After everything we had been through at that point, how close we'd gotten…how could you lie to me like that? Why? Especially about something that huge?"

Beckett picked at the label on her water absently. "It wasn't easy," she started slowly. "I did it because…I almost said it back. When you said it in the graveyard, I tried to say it back, but I couldn't quite make my mouth form the words. Everything was starting to go black and fuzzy, but I tried my hardest to say it back. That was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Josh was there but…I couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought about it a _lot_, Rick…"

Castle was dismayed at the way he still enjoyed her saying his first name. She always had chosen the perfect moment to say it, soft, and full of meaning. Like a secret.

"…And I just kept lining up all the reasons why it wasn't the right time in my mind," Beckett continued. "I had a boyfriend, Montgomery had just died, I didn't want to be emotionally compromised just because I was shot, I didn't want to risk what we had, everything in my mother's case was just _gone_…" she shook her head. "It was a lot to take on. A list like that can be pretty persuasive, especially when you're lying in a hospital bed. There was also the danger factor. If I was getting shot at, I didn't want anyone else getting involved in the case."

"So…why?" Castle locked eyes with her. "Just tell me, please."

"I did it to protect you," Beckett told him. "From the case, from the people hunting me, from me alone…I didn't want you to get hurt. Physically or emotionally. It just seemed like the best thing for you. At the time, my mom's case was still the basis of my life. I'm not saying that was right, or even excusable, but it's the truth. I felt the same way but I wasn't ready to shift my focus yet, I wasn't ready to take the risk. So…I lied. And I'm sorry."

Castle processed for a moment, and then said. "I gave you multiple opportunities to take it back. You could have told me the truth at any time. It takes a lot to keep a secret for almost a year."

"I was waiting for the right time," Beckett explained. "It never came. And then when I was ready to tell you, you were ready to move on."

"And what were you going to do if I hadn't? What if you told me, and I said I felt the same way, and we got together? What would you have done about it then?" Castle pressed. "It just doesn't make sense to me."

"I don't know what I would have done. It wasn't something that was meticulously planned; it was the kind of thing I took one day at a time. And it's not something you can make sense of, it only ever makes sense to the person who does it," Beckett took a drink of water, and then took her time putting the cap back on. "I don't know what else to say about it except that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied, I'm sorry it got to you before I could explain myself, I'm sorry you got hurt, and I'm sorry it tore us apart. The time to have this conversation was fourteen years ago, and I guess I'm sorry for that too. I would go back and change it if I could, but I can't do that," she looked at her hands. "So, I guess that's all I've got."

"When I first heard you…" Castle shook his head. "I remember thinking that I'd never felt more betrayed by anyone in my life. It had always been different with us, _we_ had always been different. I couldn't believe that you had ever told me anything less than the truth. I was standing there, thinking that maybe we had finally reached that place where we could be together, and then…" he lifted a hand and let it fall back to the counter. "I mean…yeah, it hurt. I was hurt. That's an understatement, actually. It was a whole new kind of hurt. Something I hadn't felt with Meredith, or Gina, or anyone else. I _hated_ you in that split second. You went from someone to write books about to someone to be avoided. I remember telling my mother that I could ignore what I was feeling and work beside you. Just bottle it up and keep my mouth shut for the rest of our partnership…but I couldn't stand it any more by the end of that case. And that's why _I _did what I did."

"But is what we did to each other so different?" Beckett asked rhetorically. "I didn't talk to you about what my issues were, but you weren't exactly forthcoming either. I cried when you left. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't stop. I kept berating myself over, and over for ever letting you in in the first place. It was the pain of losing someone all over again. If it weren't for Esposito and Ryan…well, I don't know what would have happened. So, you tell me, who did the worse thing? It seems to me that they're just about equal."

"What are you getting at?"

"Fourteen years have passed. We both hurt each other badly, neither of us handled our specific situations very well, and we're both sorry," Beckett searched his face for a moment. "It's time to move on."

Castle stared back at her for a moment, and then said, "But how do we do that? We can't go back to the way things were. Too much time has passed, too much has changed, we've said too much, it's impossible."

"Then we move forward," Beckett said definitively, still holding eye contact. "I've lost a lot to the way I used to live my life," she said almost quietly. "I can't bring my mom back, or Montgomery, or Royce, or anyone else. But we have a chance to fix things with us. I want to give it a fighting chance. Those years with you meant…so much to me. And I've changed since you left; I don't let things pass me by any more. I want to try."

Castle looked away for a moment. It was so much in such a short amount of time. He felt himself being pulled in different directions, recognized several different emotions swirling around in his head. There was still a sharp edge of anger, but there was also a soft pool of happy, all surrounded by a hazy air of remembrance. Was fourteen years enough time to forgive a hurt like the one he had experienced? Could you ever really move on? His head swiveled back to her, and he found her eyes again. "We were in love," he said with a softer look on his face.

"We were in love," Beckett repeated.

"Do you think…" Castle searched for the right words. "Do you think that there might still be something here?"

"I do," Beckett looked at her hands again, and then glanced back up at him. "Do you?"

Castle thought for a second, and then nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do."

Beckett gave him a small smile. "Then can we try?"

Despite himself, Castle smiled back. "I think we should," he told her. "The only question is how to do that. We have a unique situation on our hands. We can't just pick up where we left off. We know that we had feelings for each other, we know that there's something here, and – the key difference between then and now – we're talking about them."

"So what are you suggesting?" Beckett asked.

"I'm suggesting that we keep doing what we're doing now, but…more so," Castle said carefully. "Maybe get dinner now and again, go to Central Park…things like that."

Another smile crawled across Beckett's face. "Richard Castle, are you asking me out on a date?"

Castle chuckled. "It's the only way I can think of to move us forward without depending on the past," he said. "And if we realize that we have nothing in common any more, or the spark is gone, then we can put it to bed…but I don't think we'll have that problem. We can just take it slow, nothing official yet. Get caught up; get to know each other again. But we'd still be moving. I'm sick of standing still. I don't want to waste any more time, we've done enough of that. Almost two decades, in fact. What do you say?"

Beckett's smile stayed tacked in place as she said, "Sounds like a plan to me."

Castle grinned at her, and stood up. "Hey, are you hungry at all? I know you came from work to the bar, so you probably didn't eat yet, right?"

"No, I didn't, but it's okay, I can just grab something on the way home," Beckett told him.

"I didn't let you skip meals because of work when we were partners, and I'm not about to start now," Castle began pulling eggs and cheese out of the refrigerator. "Besides, I'm starting to get hungry too."

"Gee, I wonder why," Beckett said sarcastically.

"They don't make ice cream as filling as they used to," Castle laughed. "Egg and cheese sandwiches okay with you?"

"Sounds great," Beckett said. "Thanks."

Castle started cracking eggs and opened his mouth to say something when the front door was flung open, and then slammed shut again.

Beckett raised her eyebrows in Castle's direction.

"Mother's home," he said casually, pouring the mixed eggs into a hot pan.

There were sounds of huffing, rustling, and discontented murmuring, and then Martha came marching into the kitchen. "Richard, you will never believe what happened. I was teaching a class a –" she stopped abruptly as her eyes fell on Beckett. "Oh…my. Kate Beckett?" she asked almost incredulously.

"Hello, Martha," Beckett greeted with a warm smile. "It's nice to see you again."

Martha hurried over to Beckett and wrapped her in a rather large hug, "Oh, you have no idea my dear. Hold on, let me look at you," she stepped back and put her hands on Beckett's face turning it back and forth a bit. "Oh, to look like you do at your age! I already looked about ten years older, and you look about ten years younger. Granted, I was busy trying to keep up with a demanding child as well as a career," she cast a pointed glance over her shoulder at Castle.

"Yes, I've heard hiring a nanny can give one some wicked crow's feet," Castle quipped without looking up.

Martha waved a hand at him and turned back to Beckett, saying, "The point is, my dear, you look marvelous."

Beckett smiled back at her. "You look wonderful yourself, as always."

"Oh, you're too kind my dear, you're too kind," Martha patted her hand, and then pointed a finger at Castle. "You're not letting her leave again, you hear me?"

"We were actually in the middle of discussing that before you interrupted us," Castle informed her.

A look of realization passed over Martha's face. "Ah," she said, looking a bit awkward. "Well, I…I've just remembered that I have to go read a script that I was asked to look at by a valued student. I want to get it to her by Monday, so perhaps I'll go do that," she turned back to Beckett a final time. "It really was delightful to see you again, I do hope to see you again soon."

"It was good to see you too," Beckett said genuinely. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you."

Martha smiled at her, and then departed from the room.

The kitchen fell silent again, and Castle continued to cook. After a few minutes, he sat two sandwiches on the bar at their respective spots and took a seat again. With the air finally clear between them, they felt free to discuss their partner days. They ate, and laughed, and talked and talked. They talked about the day they met, their many "almost" dates, almost dying, and even the kiss that they had only ever been brought up once – they had both enjoyed it more than they should have. For the first time since That Night, it was beginning to feel like the old them. Their old rhythm was being picked up exactly where they had dropped it. Some things never change, even while everything else is being ripped up by the roots.

It was midnight by the time they even began to run out of steam. Beckett checked her watch and sighed. "I should probably get going. It's getting late."

Castle sighed. "Yeah, I don't want to keep you out to a ridiculous hour," he picked up their plates and dropped them in the sink. "Uh, what day do you have off this week?"

"Tomorrow. Why?" Beckett stood and stretched.

"Oh, I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to meet up for lunch or something," Castle's tone held a hint of something that would have sounded like shyness to Beckett if she didn't know him better.

"Yeah, that sounds good," Beckett made her way into the foyer with Castle close behind and began to put on her jacket. "I have a few errands to run tomorrow, but I'll call you?"

"Sure thing, I don't have any other plans," Castle smiled. "Oh, do you need my number?"

"No, I still have it in my call list, I can just get it from there."

"Oh, right."

"Yeah."

The duo stared at each other awkwardly for a minute, uncertain of how to say goodbye. After what felt like an eternity, they both stepped forward and hugged the other. Castle gave her hand a little squeeze when they parted and said, "I'll see you tomorrow. Drive safe."

"Will do, see you then," Beckett gave him one last smile, and then slipped out the door.

Castle shut the door behind her, and then leaned against it. One thought fought it's way to the front of his mind…

He hoped they could make it.


	7. Chapter 7

******WOW, okay, I'm so sorry I'm lagging behind in posting! School started on the 15th, and hit me full force. I've either been too exhausted or too busy to update. I'm trying, folks! **

******And, as always, thank you for all the love from the majority of you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to your lovely reviews, but I value you all.**

**I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.**

* * *

_The morning after That Night, Beckett woke up with a headache. She felt like she had a hangover, even though she hadn't drank anything. At first, she assumed it was because of the bomb case…and then it sank in._

_ Castle was gone. _

_Her head slumped back into her pillow, and she snuggled back under the blankets like a teenager being reluctantly woken up for school. There were only a handful of times that she had ever not wanted to go into work since she got out of the academy – she could count them on one hand. After Royce left, the first case she and Castle had worked together, and after Montgomery died. But that morning was the worst it had ever been. It shocked her that it topped the list, and she hated herself and him for it, but it was a fact. At least when Montgomery died, Castle had been there. Or he had offered to be. Now, he wasn't, and she could feel the hole he left even when she was just lying in bed. _

_Beckett sighed and got out of bed anyway. She would be damned if Richard Edgar Castle could stop her from doing her job. No, she had something to prove – if only that she could survive. That was what she prided herself on. She could always survive. _

_Beckett got changed into a black v-neck sweater and jeans, and then made her way into her bathroom to finish getting ready. Too put out to care, she simply braided her hair in its natural state – it wasn't like she had to look good for anyone – and did her makeup quickly. She reached for her cherry body spray, and then stopped herself. She hadn't worn it for the first two years of their partnership. In actuality, she had just spritzed it on once when she had ran out of her regular perfume and needed a substitute for that day until she could go get more of the usual after work. But then, Castle got too close, and noticed too much, and sounded like he enjoyed it too much, and before she knew it she was wearing it the next day, every day thereafter, and buying more when it ran out. _

_But Castle was gone, and she was pretty sure Ryan and Esposito wouldn't be so enchanted by her smelling like certain fruits. She shook her head at the bottle and tossed it in the trash. She just wanted to forget. _

_Beckett drove slowly to work, lost in her head. How had she forgotten that she didn't let people like him in? How had she let herself say all that she had said? There was so much that fell on his ears that would have stayed in her head before. She had opened herself up as much as she knew how, brought down as many walls as she could without freaking herself out. She had tried. Something she couldn't say about many people. _

_She had tried to be a better person, and he left. _

_Beckett pulled up to the precinct, and absently made her way up to homicide. The whole place felt colder now. It seemed inherently wrong to her that when the doors opened up, there would be no smiling mystery novelist waiting for her with a cup of coffee just exactly how she liked it. There would be no witty remarks, no childish behavior for her to roll her eyes at and act annoyed, no outlandish theories that wound up leading to a break in the case, no silent moments when they held each others eyes for just a second too long…nothing. Radio silence._

_How had she read him so wrong? How was it possible that he had never felt anything? She was baffled. _

_Beckett paused as she came up to her desk, ignoring Esposito and Ryan's respective greetings. Her eyes combed over her desk and landed on a tiny elephant figurine. It was so damn like him to be so careless as to leave it behind. It had been on sale at an artist's stand that was in a little market where they had questioned a fruit vendor once. She had been ready to leave – her mind was already on the next thing they had to do – and made her way to the car, only realizing upon arrival that she had lost Castle somewhere. She had shaken her head, mumbled something about how he had the attention span of a fly, and gone back in to find him._

_Beckett finally found him staring at a small table full of animal figurines that were impeccably done – hand painted perfectly, enameled with gold in spots, some even holding tiny jewels – and chatting with the artist. _

_"Castle, come on, what are you doing?" she had asked, sounding annoyed. "We have to get back, this isn't a shopping trip." _

_"These are amazing," he had told her, picking a penguin up in his hand and turning it over. "Tracy here makes these all herself with a conventional oven, did you know that?" _

_Beckett had flashed a small smile at the woman, hoping she didn't come off as rude. "Yeah, okay, awesome, now let's go." _

_But Castle hadn't moved. He had insisted that he must buy one, and he had made her stand there until he had asked her to pick for him. _

_Desperate to get a move on, Beckett had pointed at a little grey elephant with the tiniest red and green jewels outlining his ears, an intricately painted Indian style blanket on his back, and gold edges on the end of his trunk, tail, and toes. "That one," she had said. "Sure." _

_Fifteen minutes later than she had wanted to leave, they had emerged with the elephant in a little brown paper sack. _

_It had lived on Beckett's desk for about a month before she had begun to pester him about taking the damn thing home already. It didn't belong at work, it belonged in his house. She had even suggested that maybe he take it to Alexis as a just-because-present. Nothing._

_Finally, one day – about two months after it took up shop on her desk next to her pencil cup – while she was doing paperwork and he was staring off into space, he had said, "I think the little guy looks happy there." _

_And that had been the end of it. _

_Somehow, that had convinced Beckett to leave him there, and that's exactly where the elephant stayed for the next two years of their partnership. It became something that when he wasn't there she would look at and smile, get a little tingle in her stomach that she only secretly enjoyed. It reminded her of him. Occasionally, they would both wind up looking at it while making a decision. It became the Elephant. _

_And Castle had walked off and left it sitting on her desk like it meant nothing to him, even though she had always assumed he thought of it as fondly as she did. However, she had also assumed that she would mean more to him than the Elephant, and he had left them both like they were trash. _

_Beckett grabbed the Elephant and hurled it into the trashcan harder than she should have and watched it shatter. _

_She looked back at her desk, and all she saw was Castle. She began seizing everything that reminded her of him, and tossing it into the garbage._

_ A " " pen. Trash._

_A Serendipity mug he had brought to "liven up the place". Trash._

_The signed _Temptation Lane _photo that reminded her more of him than her mom. Trash…_

_Castle abandoned her. _

_A highlighter he used to pick out key words in a newspaper article for a case once, the pack of Post-It's that he used to leave her messages on her desk, the stapler he used to staple a permission form that Alexis came to the precinct to get signed, her NYPD mug that he had brought her coffee in so many countless times…_

_He never cared about her._

_A paperclip chain, a picture from a Christmas party, a miniature castle that he thought would be funny, all the pens in her pencil cup…_

_If he could forget her, she could forget him too._

_A pair of scissors, a Rubix Cube buried in her desk drawer from their first year, the pencil cup itself…_

_When Beckett was done, her desk was almost entirely bare, save for the computer. She let out a long breath and blinked rapidly against the threat of moisture from her eyes. She sank down in her chair and put her head in her hands. _

_"Uh…boss?" Ryan's voice cautiously broke the silence. "You want us to go get you more satisfactory desk supplies, or…?"_

_Beckett froze. Of course they were going to ask questions, they had just witnessed her throwing away the majority of her desk for no apparent reason. They had no idea. "It…wasn't the supplies," she managed out, trying to keep her cool. She couldn't do this at work. She just couldn't._

_"Right," Esposito remarked behind her. "I throw away my stapler all the time." _

_Beckett sighed and swiveled in her chair, keeping her eyes on her hands. They would find out sooner or later. "Castle left me," she said, and then winced at how relationship like her words sounded. How pathetic she came across. _

_"What?" Ryan asked incredulously. "He would never do that. Castle loves-" _

_Esposito elbowed his partner sharply in the side. _

_"This place," Ryan finished, rubbing his rib cage and glaring at Esposito. "Why would he leave?"_

_"He said his 'fascination has subsided," Beckett hooked air quotes, looked up at them, and then shrugged. "Whatever the hell that means."_

_"Well then we don't need him," Esposito said, sounding angrier than Beckett expected. Something fierce was displayed in his eyes. "He changed his mind too damn much anyway. You're better off without him, Beckett."_

_Beckett made eye contact with him and blinked in surprise. "You don't…understand, Javi," she told him quietly to avoid being overheard. _

_"I think we understand more than you think," Esposito countered. He held her eyes for a moment, letting his words sink in before saying, "Castle's our boy, but you're our girl. He wants to keep hurting you then…" he shrugged. "He's gotta go." _

_"You come before him," Ryan agreed. "I would have liked to see you two work out but if he's dumb enough to leave, so be it. We'll always be here." _

_"Always," Esposito smiled at her. _

_Beckett pressed her lips together and looked down. He couldn't have known what the word "always" had meant to her and Castle. He had never been around when it was said. And yet, there were her two boys, offering up the same promise that Castle had broken. And it meant so much. "Thank you," she said earnestly. "I'll be okay, it's just a shock I guess."_

_"You're allowed to be upset, you know," Ryan said, bringing her attention back to them again. _

_Beckett studied them for a moment; unable to express the thanks she couldn't say. She smirked and said, "What is this, group therapy? You two are bigger girls than I am."_

_Both men grinned at her. "Family takes care of family," Esposito said. "That's how it is."_

* * *

_Castle shut the door heavily behind him, and let out a long breath. He was glad to be home. It was madness out there._

_Almost numbly, he made his way into the living room where he could hear Alexis and his mother talking. _

_"Richard," Martha greeted him grandly when he walked in the room. "You will never believe what's happened I-" she cut herself off as she took in her son's face. "Dear God, what happened to you? You look like you've seen a ghost." _

_"Yeah, Dad, what's wrong?" Alexis asked worriedly, eyebrows furrowing as she turned on the couch to face him._

_"I…I did it," Castle said simply. _

_Martha and Alexis exchanged a look. "You…did what, dear?"_

_"Beckett," Castle sank down into a chair. _

_"You talked to her?" Martha asked hopefully. _

_"No," Castle shook his head. "Well, yes. But no." _

_"Dad, you're not making any sense," _

_"I ended it," Castle supplied. "I was just there. I ended it. I cut us off. It's over," he looked down. "We're done." _

_"Oh, Richard," Martha moved to the chair next to him and took his hand. "What happened to sticking around? Last time I talked to you, you were planning on dealing with it, working by her anyway. What happened to that?" _

_"You wouldn't believe how hard it is to be civil with a liar," Castle told her darkly. "I couldn't do it. I couldn't even look at her. She kept trying to joke with me, smile at me, she even invited me out for a drink. Like nothing ever happened. She was so damn confident I wouldn't find out…" he shook his head again. "I wouldn't have been able to watch the little things I would have taken to mean that she felt the same way happen day by day and know that I was wrong." _

_"But…you talked to her, right?" Alexis asked weakly. "I mean, that's good, she knows. You two can work through it." _

_"I didn't tell her," Castle said. _

_"Oh."_

_"What on earth did you tell the girl then?" Martha pressed.  
"I lied to her," Castle refused to lift his eyes to his family. "I lied to her, just like she lied to me." _

_"Well…that's noble of you…" Martha said tentatively, searching for something redeeming about the situation. "You didn't want to hurt her. It was good of you not to sink to her lev – oh, will you stop shaking your head? What is it?" _

_"That's not why I lied," Castle drug his eyes up to his mother's face. "I told her I was bored. I stood there and made damn sure it sounded like I never cared about her. I wanted her to feel what I do, not even friendship," he got up to fix himself a drink and muttered, "It's only fair." _

_Martha and Alexis looked at each other again. _

_"So…what's next? What happens now?" Alexis asked. _

_"Nikki Heat is done. They'll make the _Heat Wave _movie, and that'll be it," Castle explained. "We can live like this for the rest of our lives off the royalties from past books alone, so that shouldn't be a problem. _Heat Wave _merchandise will bring in even mo-"_

_"Hold on," Alexis interjected. "You're not going to write anymore?" _

_There was a silence that stretched on for what seemed like forever as Castle carefully considered his answer. "No, I won't be." _

_"But you love writing," Alexis' eyes were the size of golf balls. "Dad, you can't give up just because some bitch lie-" _

_"I'm tired of fiction!" Castle interrupted her in return, looking at his daughter. "I'm tired of made up stories, I just want to be here with you guys, right now. I want to spend time with you before you go off to college in the fall, and I want to make the most of all the time I can."_

_Alexis stared back at her father, unnerved by the lack of light in his eyes. She saw the pain of being forced to grow up written all over his face, and she felt her stomach twist itself unpleasantly. How dare that…no, this wasn't about her. This was about her father. "I'm so sorry she broke your heart, Daddy," she whispered, making her way over to him to wrap him in a hug. _

_"Yeah, me too," Castle rubbed her back lightly. "And I'm sorry I put you two through four years of me being gone for nothing,"_

_Alexis sat on the floor by him._

_"I lost track of my priorities, and I hope you'll both forgive that," Castle made eye contact with his mother and his daughter for a brief moment each. "I promise you it'll never happen again."_

_"We were never mad," Martha told him gently. "You were happy, darling, we could never fault you for that."_

_"We could fault her," Alexis mumbled. _

_Martha shot her a look. _

_A small smile cracked through Castle's façade as he looked at his daughter. "I'm all yours now." _

_Alexis rested her head on her father's knee the way she used to when she was a child. She hoped the phase wouldn't last forever. Everything was changing, and she didn't want to see her dad broken. _

_Martha rubbed her sons' hand in small circles, trying to ignore the traitorous part of herself that felt as if she had just lost a daughter. _

_"She looked so sad," Castle said softly after a long pause. "How could she have the nerve to look that sad?"_

_"Perhaps she was sad, kiddo," Martha supplied. _

_Castle squeezed his mother's hand and let go, and patted Alexis' head. He stood up and downed the rest of his drink. "What's done is done." _

_Alexis eyed him. "Just like that?" _

_"Just like that," Castle shrugged. "I'll be damned if she gets to me." _

_"You can't just swallow this, Richard," Martha warned. _

_"Watch me," Castle said evenly, no emotion showing on his face even though his brain was waging a war. "I'm going to bed. Night you two." _

_"Night," Alexis said confusedly, while Martha said nothing. _

_"Only one person in the world who can get him that upset," Martha mumbled once he was out of earshot.  
"You think they're really over?" Alexis asked her grandmother._

_"Hard to say," Martha said sadly. "But I think they just may be." _


End file.
